


Dead To Me

by orphan_account



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Drinking, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 08:37:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5915107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua was not alright, he was just so badly broken.</p>
<p>And so he was decided to see the sun again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dead To Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is sad maybe????
> 
> I am totally not drunk, and totally not heartbroken
> 
> Killua's perspective, yay

Dressed in all black and alone in my room I open up a bottle, drink almost all of it and pour the rest in his memory. I do this again, and again, and again until I empty eight whole bottles of vodka or rum or whiskey. Whatever it was, they were all in his name.  
None of the alcohol that I've been drinking up until now isn't affecting me.

Damn my immunity to poisons.

Still, there are silent tear streaming down my face and memories of us are flooding my mind. A sob escapes my lips and it sounds somewhat like his name. That makes me hiss and shut my eyes, shaking my head as if all of this was a nightmare -a very long one- that I was trying to escape.

I sit on the bed, open up another bottle and drink it whole. The burning in my throat making my face contort in disgust.

Light. He was my light, he shone so brightly and his smile was just as blinding as the sun. His eyes were fire and his body irradiated warmth. He was my light. The one that had pulled me out of the darkness, he had saved me and I was so thankful for it that I wanted to stay by his side for forever. Until the end of my days. _But he left._

I throw the bottle against the wall and it shatters. Just like my heart.

Another bottle. Another memory. Another trail of tears down my face.

Once my tears disappear, I get up from the hotel bed and grab a bunch of flowers that I had left at the bedside table. I get out and start walking towards the cemetery.

The streets are nearly empty and the darkness of the night is consuming. Nothing unexpected at three in the morning on a Thursday.

When I arrive at the cemetery, I go towards the tomb I requested to be built. There it stood, polished black marble, Gon’s name written on it with elegant silver letters. Nothing else. Not that it was needed, you could say that this was just one of my whims. I needed a grave. I needed to see it; I still do.

I take a deep breath and talk to... well, nothingness.

“Stop sharpening the knives, they no longer hurt” I lied. They hurt, they do hurt, a lot. They are merciless and there’s nothing I can do to protect myself against them. “Stop biting me with your fangs, I no longer bleed” I did. I bleed, I still do. What worries me, is that I’m still so happy and willing to bleed for him even when he doesn’t care. “Stop destroying me” I whisper, sadness filling me up. Eyes burning, and the need of crying creeping up my spine, but no tears came, no tears fell.

Somehow I ran out of tears from crying so much in the previous hours and that made me desperate, anxious. He affects me in unimaginable ways, both good and bad -now more bad than good-. But I’m still here, trying to be by his side. Desiring to be with him.

“Stop wreaking me!” I scream, wanting to cry. No tears coming, and I start to shake with anger and sadness and desperation. And... _why?_

I bend down and lay down the flowers I had been carrying. They were Gon’s favorites.

“Stop destroying me, disappear instead” My voice trembles and my body keeps shaking lightly, probably because of the cold, or because of all I had bottled up inside of me. “Please, i-it hurts...”

I sit down on the ground, silently remembering all of our moments and I start to think of how much I love and loved him. So much it is painful and was almost unnoticeable for two kids.

But things change and now I can only think about how him and his presence, and his love, his all, became a necessity for me. And I want to cry, again. But I can’t. No tears fall and the feeling is just too overwhelming and hard and not bearable, so instead I scream. I let it all out of my chest and try to freeze the fire that burns inside of me.

I let myself cool down a little and take deep breaths.

I say my goodbye’s quietly and try to make myself understand that this is final. This is my last decision and that there’s no remedy for it.

“I’ll forget you, I promise. I’m sorry” I say, and it’s true.

This love’s making me sick and there’s no fixing it. He never tried, anyway. He probably thought I was fucking crazy when I told him I loved him because he smiled, turned around and went away.

Again. For the second time. He left me again, and I’m just trying to figure out why. _Am I not enough? What’s wrong with me?_

I was done crying and pitying myself and wanted to be okay. So I needed to kill him. He needed to be dead. It was necessary.

So even if Gon was on another country, laughing, training, being happy and alive -which he was- he was dead to me.

And now I could move on.

**Author's Note:**

> If there are any mistakes please feel free to tell me, or if there's something missing? 
> 
> Sorry if this sucks btw <3


End file.
